In a Reddit post upvoted over 10,000 times, the woman, writing as No-Call-5556, described how her told her: “Right now is the perfect time to start a family and I want one, so if you choose to go to school over our family, I’ll be forced to part my ways with you.”
As a result, she is now planning on leaving him “because he’s not upholding his part of the deal” they agreed several years earlier in which they would support each other through school, with a view to getting better jobs.
While the woman kept up her end of the bargain, working full-time while he completed a bachelor’s degree and landed his “dream job” that “pays amazingly,” when it came time for him to support her through medical school, he was hesitant to do so.
It’s a conflict representative of the fact that, despite advances in the workplace, many still prioritize men in the role of financial provider, with women’s career ambitions often taking a backseat.
According to a 2017 survey by the Pew Research Center, 71 percent of adults believe it is very important for a man to be able to support their family financially in order to be considered a good husband or partner.
Yet by contrast, just 32 percent felt it was important for women to do the same.
That outlook appears to be one shared by the husband featured as part of the Reddit post. However, in this instance, his male-focused approach to the family looks set to be his undoing.
According to the post, the couple first hatched their plan to get educated after marrying aged 23. “One day we sat down with each other and really discussed what we wanted for our future and our life, and all of it came down to us bettering our lives which came to furthering and completing our education,” the woman said.
While her husband worked at completing his environmental engineering degree, she worked to “provide” for them, with the deal being that she would complete her four years at medical school further “down the line.”
Yet when it came time to switch, he said he “doesn’t think we could work out starting a family and all my attention being on med school.” This caught her by surprise because although they had discussed starting a family, she thought the plan was to do so once “both of us were in fields that we wanted.”
That was when he issued the ultimatum: start a family now or the marriage is over. “I stood there in complete shock of what he said to me, but ultimately decided that I love my husband, but not enough to give up on my education/goal,” she wrote. “So I’m giving into his ultimatum and ‘parting my ways.’”
Though the woman appeared eager to take action, Nona Kelly, a licensed marriage and family therapist with mental health company Thriveworks, felt a more measured approach was needed.
Kelly, who specializes in relationship issues, divorce and life transitions, told Newsweek the couple were dealing with “a breakdown in communication and feeling possibly unheard or thinking that their goals are not compatible any longer.”
“It is possible that the husband has some undiscussed concerns regarding the couple’s earlier agreement to begin a family,” she said. “I would encourage any couple who feels like there has been a breakdown in communication to identify what their understanding of the agreement was to begin with, and how they feel that agreement has changed.”
“Resentment can creep in when we feel like someone is not hearing our wishes or respecting what we have formerly agreed,” she said. “Good communication includes not escalating the situation by accusations or blame. Identifying what our biggest concern is and sticking with that instead of bringing up other topics.”
Others on social media, however, felt it would be impossible to fix things after what happened. “He took advantage of you,” Candy_Venom said. “You provided for the family so he could better himself and doesn’t wanna let you do the same now. At least you saw this before it got any further.”
Dystopianpirate added: “He’s talking about having kids now just to avoid doing his part of the deal, he just doesn’t want to reciprocate.” Dr_Sigmund_Fried also called for the woman to end things. “As unfortunate and painful as it will be, you must leave him and pursue your own goals obviously without him,” they wrote.
Kelly urged caution, however, telling the woman not to be so hasty when it comes to matters like divorce. “Remembering what brought the couple together can be helpful, understanding that the years spent together has formed a bond that is not easily replaced,” she said. “Often times people think it’s easier to start over, but I would challenge that with reminding people that it takes time to find someone we want to include in our lives, especially if we’re considering having children with that person.”
She called on the couple to consider therapy together and a “meaningful conversation about their goals.”
Newsweek reached out to u/No-Call-5556 for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.
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